Roger and the Holy Grail
by klblack
Summary: A previously undiscovered script by the Big O writers, after they'd seen "Monty Python" one too many times.


[Roger Smith and party drive to Paradigm Main Dome. The entrance is closed. Roger blows the horn. All get out of the Griffon.]

ROGER: HELLO!

[waits]

NORMAN: HELLO!

[waits]

[A masked face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an outrageous French accent.]

ALAN GABRIEL: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?

ROGER: It is I, Roger Smith, and these are my companions. Why is the dome closed?

ALAN: This is the castle of my master, Alex de Rosewater.

ROGER: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the director with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Fallen Angel.

ALAN: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see?

ROGER: What?

DASTUN: He says they've already *got* one!

ROGER: [confused] Are you *sure* he's got one?

ALAN: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.

[to the military police:] I told 'em we've already *got* one!

[they snicker]

ROGER: [taken a bit off balance] Well... ah, um...Can we come up and have a look?

ALAN: Of course not! You are outside-the-dome types.

ROGER: Well, what are you then?

ALAN: [Indignant] Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly negotiator?!

DOROTHY: What are you doing in *Paradigm*?

ALAN: Mind your own business!

ROGER: If you will not show us the Angel, we shall enter the dome by force!

ALAN: You don't frighten us, outside pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Roger Negotiator"! You and all your silly friends!!!

DOROTHY: What a strange person.

ROGER: [getting mad] Now look here, my good ma--

ALAN: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of tomato stew!

DOROTHY: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?

ALAN: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

ROGER: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....

ALAN: [to four cops, standing behind him on the rampart]

Fetchez la vache.

COP: qua?

ALAN: Fetchez la vache!

[the cops are seen leading a cow... mooing noises]

ROGER: [continued] ...if you do not agree to my terms, than I shall--

[Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...]

ROGER: Jesus Christ!

[...and lands, amid great mooing, on the Griffon.]

ROGER: [determined] Right! Big O! Showtime!

[inside Big O] Action!

[Big O strides toward the dome, only to be met with a barrage of eggs and tomatoes. They blind Big O, who staggers around, arms outstretched, trips, and falls. Roger crawls out of the cockpit.]

ROGER: I've got to put windshield wipers on him.

PM cop: [throwing down a goose] Hey, this one is for your mother! [and a duck] And this one's for your gran!

ROGER'S PARTY: [hastily retreating] Run away! RUN AWAAAAY!

DASTUN: [as they hunker down behind a building out of flying-animal's reach of the castle] Fiends, I'll tear them apart!

ROGER: No no, no!!

NORMAN: [to Roger] Sir... I have a plan, sir.

[There follows a long scene where the Alan Gabriel, stationed atop the rampart, surveys the surrounding city and sees nothing, but hears various sounds of construction [hammering, welding, chain saws being operated] from the park. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden wheels, a giant wooden tomato is wheeled out of the forest by Roger's group.

They wheel it right up to the front gates of the main dome and leave it there, returning to their concealed spot behind the building to watch.

A minute later, the castle gate opens and Gabriel peeks out. His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.]

Alan Gabriel: C'est une tomate, une tomate en bois.

2nd Cop: Qua?

[Three heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.]

Alan Gabriel: Un Cadeau!

2nd COP: What?

Alan Gabriel: A present!

2nd COP: Ah, un Cadeau!

Alan Gabriel: Allons-y, allons-y!

2nd COP: What?

Alan Gabriel: Let's go!

2nd COP: Ah!

[The three creep out and wheel the tomato into the dome, closing the gate behind them.]

[Behind the wall]

ROGER: [to Norman] What happens now?

Norman: Well, now, uh, Colonel Dastun, Dorothy and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the tomato, taking the dome, uh, by suprise. Not only by suprise, but totally unarmed!

ROGER: *Who* leaps out?

NORMAN: [pointing to each person as he names him] Uh... Colonel Dastun, Dorothy, and I.... uh, leap out of the tomato, uh, and, uh....

DASTUN: [groans]

NORMAN: [pause] Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden fish....

[Roger knocks him on the head.]

[Just then, the gate opens and the tomato comes soaring out. The party disbands amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the tomato lands on Norman. Cries of distress.]


End file.
